Embracing Your Unique Journey: Beyond Society's Checklists

Ever felt like you're in a race against invisible finish lines, ticking off life's milestones as if they're items on a grocery list? Have you ever caught yourself justifying your life choices to a chorus of well-meaning, yet intrusive, family and friends? You're not alone. Our latest episode delves into the weight of expectations heaped onto women's shoulders, from the societal "must-dos" of marriage and motherhood to the quest for that picturesque home with the white picket fence. We share our own battles with these norms and the quiet rebellions of choosing paths less traveled. With raw honesty, we peel back the layers of upbringing and external judgment that often lead us to question our own definitions of success and happiness. The episode is a celebration of the myriad ways to lead a fulfilling life, and a reminder that respect for individual journeys should trump our ingrained expectations. Take comfort in knowing that whatever your choices may be, they're valid, they're valued, and they're entirely yours to make.

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Transcript

Expectations and Societal Pressure on Women

Speaker 1 0:17

Hello , hello , hey y'all . We're back . Holler for a dollar . Is this a dollar in this economy ? We've been through it again here today .

Speaker 2 0:29

But we're here having some technical difficulties , but we're here we are .

Speaker 1 0:35

Thank you for listening and tuning in we're happy you're here .

Speaker 2 0:41

Yes , we are . We're also happy to be here and go over what we have been discussing . I feel like we've been .

Speaker 1 0:49

Lord , we have been here .

Speaker 2 0:52

Oh , they talk about all kinds of things , yes , and then we always circle back to why do especially women we'll talk about , especially women we'll talk about ? I know it affects everyone , but why do women face so much like outside societal pressure on just how , who they are in general , how to be ?

Speaker 1 1:15

how to live .

Speaker 2 1:17

Sometimes we can't live out here it just it's not having to over explain right , right choices I agree .

Speaker 1 1:24

I think we just we aren't , I want to say , understood . I just think we're just not given the space to live how we want to . It's always based on someone's timeline , something , someone's judgment , and I want to say , when I say someone , I think specifically , um , older people like boomers , or even , as soon as they can be , our own counterparts , I think , you know , because we're a millennial generation , yes , um , and I think we can sometimes put pressure on ourselves and our other counterparts .

Speaker 2 1:56

But also I do believe a lot of it comes from the condition we have , from being raised by our parents , whether they're boomers or gen x or whatever they were , in that aspect , especially , I think , when it comes to we always talk about these unrealistic timelines , right , like by some 35 , for example , and I think if I was to go , let me , let's say , 10 years back , just 10 years back , I think I put this on myself or subscribe to this notion that by 30 , 35 , you know , I so I am married . That was on the list . I want to be married , I want to have kids , I want to have a house , I want to have a dog , I want to do the white picket fence thing and then being having turned 35 this year , and okay , yes , I am married , but not having kids or the house , or what have you feeling like now ? I'm like comparing myself to those people who are my age or maybe even younger .

Speaker 2 2:55

Right , that have those things right that I aspire to , or I was , I guess , told to aspire to right . And then that feeling like well dang , if I don't have those things , where I didn't get what I said I wanted , what I thought I wanted , then am I ? Am I not the way I am ?

Speaker 1 3:11

or are you behind you ?

Speaker 1 3:12

know , but but but who behind is a big one . Who are you living for ? And I think that is the ultimate question . Um , I think , because of conditioning during upbringing , we tend to maybe live under certain expectations that were never ours to begin with and we then hold that and carry forth with that . And so I'm going to give an example of like , let's say , you know , for example , I'm single . I always get asked oh , when are you going to have a baby ? When are you going to get married ? You know , like all of these , these things , and it's kind of like , did you even ask if that's what I aspire to have ?

Speaker 1 4:01

I was going to say it's not even asking , it's assuming , like you don't want to like . It's like , monica , probably the very little you know about me , you're assuming that that's what you're saying is true . I remember one time at a job that I had and I was I think I was fairly new and I was asked oh , do I have any children ? I was like no , and I'm like oh , you don't want any kids . I never said that . You asked me if I had kids and I said no , I don't . The question wasn't do you want kids ? The question was do you have any kids ? And so right there she like assumed I didn't want any kids because I didn't have any kids yet .

Speaker 1 4:33

And I think at that time I think I was like 27 or something like that , and so I found that very intriguing yeah because it's presumed that if you don't have them by now , whatever now is , it means you don't want them .

Speaker 2 4:44

Correct , because you would have done it by now , correct ?

Speaker 1 4:46

I also think that person was an older person . I don't know if they were a boomer or a Gen X , but I think at the age I was , her assumption was like oh , why don't you have , because maybe that's what everyone was doing at that age , at that time .

Speaker 1 5:00

Yeah , yeah . And so that judgment was placed upon me and I found it very interesting , you know , because I'm one of many at 27 that didn't have children , and so that assumption in itself was like wow . But I also had to think that that person probably didn't know no better , because they really truly believed that at that age . Why don't you have any kids ?

Speaker 2 5:19

What is you doing ?

Speaker 1 5:23

What was you doing ?

Speaker 2 5:24

What is happening . You know , know .

Speaker 1 5:26

You find yourself , you don't even and and that's from not even knowing anything , just a stranger so imagine your family and friends . Thank you , that was a stranger that barely knew . I think I'd have been at the job maybe a month , like you know , and it's like when did I then you start ?

Speaker 2 5:42

um , I think what happens . What I don't like is then you find yourself having to explain all of your life choices . Like when did I Then you start ? I think , what happens , what I don't ?

Speaker 1 5:52

like is . Then you find yourself having to explain all of your life choices . It's true . And then I'm like , what have I been doing To get a context on why you said what you're saying ? You fool , oh no , that's not what I said .

Speaker 2 5:59

Yeah , I don't mean to Try to backpedal , it's bad anyway . Now you're unpacking 27 years of your life . It's like oh , I just came here to work now .

Speaker 1 6:13

But that but that question triggered something , because you said why is this woman asking ?

Speaker 2 6:18

me this do you think it's also the time and the place ? Do you think , had it , had it been asked in like a more personal setting , you would have been ? You wouldn't have been so caught off guard . Do you think it was because it was at work and we ?

Speaker 1 6:29

I guess , what really baffled me was when I said I don't have children . Oh , you don't want kids .

Speaker 2 6:37

It's not even so . Hey , yeah , there was already like-judgment .

Speaker 1 6:42

Like the door was closed , she closed the door for me .

Speaker 2 6:45

I didn't even do it , that's true . I wonder where that comes from , though .

Speaker 1 6:49

Maybe her own , yeah , and her own perception of what she thinks should be at a certain time . And you know , because suppose I would have said like you know , no , that's not what I see . Or you know , like whatever , she asked me to have kids and I just had said you know , no , that's . I could have said , oh no , I don't want kids , or that's not what I want to . You know , then that would have been a different story . But yeah , you know , it would have went left and would have definitely went left . There's always , and I don't know why , we assume , you know , because what ? What if that person that's not what they wanted ? Then what if they don't want to get married ? What if they don't want you to ? What if they don't want the house ?

Speaker 1 7:23

and why do ?

Speaker 2 7:24

they owe you an explanation is always my

Challenges of Marriage and Childlessness

Speaker 2 7:26

thing . I think I'm always like cognizant and like people who come and ask like genuinely just . There are people who generally just do want to have a conversation . Do you want to know , hey , what's going on with their life ?

Speaker 2 7:36

yeah , just just genuinely curious or you know they you've , maybe you have talked to them about family before , about dating before , about children before , and if you , they'd see it . When they see you without it , then they're curious like hey , you know you mentioned this thing , why don't you have it ? Yeah , I don't mind . Um like a healthy conversation and dialogue . What I don't like is like the um , the judgment , preconceived judgment and assumptions , that kind of like out of nowhere , right , yeah , like well , I also don't think it's out of nowhere , right .

Speaker 2 8:05

I think it is because at 35 , especially being married and being 35 and not having children , that's like it's rare , right , like what do you like ? What else is like yeah , yeah , yeah , like what else is the purpose of marriage if you're not gonna have children ? Right with with someone , what is ?

Speaker 1 8:21

what is happening . You know , um , yeah , know , yeah , and I think it's also their conditioning , like maybe that's what was true for them . People were this age , were already well into their families , having a house , having all of these things .

Speaker 2 8:35

It was a different time period .

Speaker 1 8:36

It was a different economic status , all of these things . That's what they did , and so it makes sense why they would project that . And it's not a bad thing , those things are all great , you know . Project that on to the millennial generation of , like , you need to have these certain things at these certain times . Um , and what if that's not true ?

Speaker 1 8:57

what that's not what people want at that time , like , why can't we just live how we live , right and where they are right and not have certain expectations for someone at a certain time frame or a certain age or a certain , you know , economic bracket or whatever it may be in life , of what they should or should or not be doing . You know , like we had talked about , like we think the underlying cause of that is like a fear . We want our children to be better . We want our children to be better , we want our children to be safe , we want them to be stable , to be partnered up and to have the family unit .

Speaker 1 9:27

The cause is a good cause , the intention is good , the intention is good , but I think sometimes it can come off very triggering . I'm going to be honest For me very triggering . Like well dang , am I not okay by myself ? Am I not okay where I am , even if I do or do not get married , it's not not not am I not a whole ?

Speaker 2 9:45

is that not ?

Speaker 1 9:45

acceptable , right ? Am I not a whole person like is you know ? Because , again , I don't know what life will do . Who knows what life will do ? And even if it is your intention to do those things and even if it doesn't happen , is that okay too ? I think we tend to judge based on our own knowledge of what we want for someone , based on what they want for themselves , and we don't know how to hold the tension for both , maybe saying , hey , you know what I would . You know , I see this for you . That would be awesome if you do it . But even if you don't , I'm still you'll be fine .

Speaker 1 10:14

I'm still happy for you . Do you whatever ? Maybe because not everyone's ? I don't think everyone's will in life or goal in life is that right it's to . Purpose is to have children or get that house , whatever it may be , you know , I think . Why can't we just view what we want is for us and not projecting it on other people ?

Speaker 2 10:34

I don't know . That's a great question . Let me know when you find that . Yeah , no , let me know when you get that answer . Yeah , I think , I think it's . Also . People have a hard time believing that she can be single and still be happy , or she can be by herself or not dating or not partnering up , and still be good or still enjoying her life . I think there's this like weird belief out there that single people are and correct me if I'm wrong but they're like go home crying and miserable and wishing and depressed Like there's this gaping hole .

Speaker 2 11:05

But let me tell you I feel like you can be in a relationship and be very lonely and isolated as well too , right , right . So I think , instead of worrying about why people don't have certain things and when they're going to get them and why they haven't done it , maybe look at the reason behind it more so . And also what they do have right Even if she doesn't what , what , what she has a dog or a pet , or , yeah right , she has a good group of friends . I see her out there living her life .

Speaker 1 11:30

You know what are the good things , like adam . But it's not . It doesn't have to look one way .

Speaker 2 11:35

I think you know and you know a full , happy life doesn't have to be just this , and I think for the longest time a lot of us , myself included , thought happiness always only looked like this in this package right .

Speaker 2 11:46

But now we're learning that right happiness can be in , you know , in your nice home with your family and kids and a dog , or it can be in your studio apartment downtown just by yourself with your cat , or it can be on a farm with chickens and goats and cows and acres and living off the grid , like I think especially millennials are redefining , like what it looks like to be happy and to be I'm enough and yes , like I agree and and if they do want those things . I think there's also like a lot of people are not subscribing to by 30 , I need to be married or by 35 .

Speaker 2 12:20

I need to do this . A lot of people are getting married later on in life , and that's okay too .

Speaker 1 12:26

Yep , I agree with 110 , because I think it's like that . You also don't know . We don't know why people are where they are in life or what they choose to . You don't know if , like I said , if that's , whether they are able to even um , you know , even at the time maybe house a relationship or even even want to get married or even have children , what if they want to but can't ? We don't know why .

Speaker 2 12:48

The reasons behind things , right , and we tend to project and judge and assume we don't have them , so they just don't want it Correct that they don't want you know they don't want it .

Speaker 1 12:57

That's not you know and that's not necessarily true , and not everybody deserves to know your business .

Speaker 2 13:07

It's happening ? I think it's also like they think it's like a selfish reason , because I know , like for me , especially because I am such a social person and I like to go out , I like to travel , not to do things . I think it's almost perceived as like well , it's like if she doesn't want , it must be for selfish reasons , like not wanting to maybe give up a certain , because we all know children come with sacrificing right , so I think with me .

Speaker 2 13:23

It's probably this is what I felt like it's assumed that maybe for selfish reasons , like sarah doesn't want to , maybe like give up , like this part of her life like , oh , she's not ready to do this , not knowing what I have tried or what I haven't tried , or what is working or what has failed , or where I have succeeded or where I am in that you know . So I feel like that's like that tug of war of and there are so many women who are very unapologized and they're like you know what I don't want to have kids because I don't want to , uh , lose my body or stop traveling , or , uh , I want to sleep in until two , and that's fine .

Speaker 1 13:54

Yeah , and why is that ?

Speaker 2 13:55

I think a lot of them are afraid to say that because they're shamed into it . Yeah , because it's like what are you ? You a woman ? What do you mean ? You don't want to Like ? That's kind of like , biologically , what you were designed for . And it's selfish to say you like traveling and sleeping in until 11 and going and coming as you please , but wouldn't you rather somebody be honest and say that than bring a child prematurely into their life that they know they can't ? Really , to me , I think that's the selfish .

Speaker 1 14:21

Yeah , I agree . I really do agree . Do you think it's more of because you're married that people look at you like , oh , why don't you have children ? I think it's the marriage and the 35 .

Speaker 2 14:31

Oh , so it's two things . If I was like 21 and married , nobody would be like , oh , I don't want a baby . They'd be like , oh , take your time , you guys have time . Yeah , I think .

Speaker 1 14:39

So it's like two things against you . So it's like what is happening . You know it's a lot . No , it's true . And yeah , even being single , it's the age being 35 , being single , you know , they talk about fertility and having especially being a woman , because everyone's a doctor now , correct you know , you don't know what's going on with my uterus , but you know .

Speaker 1 14:59

So at the end of the day , it's like those questions are being asked and it's like but you don't , I don't know . I think it's just , it is a lot , and so I also think it's an understanding of you know older generations , to understand where we are as millennials and what we've gone through and things that we've had to persevere through . I think most people I meet we're all anxious , we're all disturbed , we're trying to manage our mental health . We're all disturbed , we're trying to we're trying to manage our mental health and I think sometimes people choose not to do certain things because of their mental health .

Speaker 1 15:28

Yeah , you know , like I don't , I don't think I'm mentally okay to have a child .

Speaker 2 15:31

I don't think I'm okay to get married or date or whatever it may be right , whatever baggage I may bring or pass on , I'm afraid to correct .

Speaker 1 15:37

Yeah and I think to me , I think that's such a brave thing to even want to collect that together first before you even venture out to other things . You know wanting to get yourself together because we can't perform an empty cup and if you know of those weaknesses that you have or those you know um , you know inabilities , you know you're not well in certain areas , I think it's good to tackle those things before you even get to that next level . But people also don't know that you're doing that . You know we've , we've , we've has millennials , we've in a generation we've seen so much we have trauma .

Speaker 2 16:05

9-11 these school shootings .

Speaker 2 16:07

Yeah , you know , like the , the pandemic , like so many things that we've had to work and lift , which we probably haven't processed , that is affecting us now you know , um , and we're kind of that in that transitional , you know um the 30s are definitely because , like we talked about , like some of your friends are getting married and and and um having kids and buying the houses and then , some . I have friends that are , you know , getting divorced too . They've been married for 10 plus years at home , yeah some are living at home .

Speaker 2 16:35

They can't afford to move out . So it's like we're all in the same uh marriage group together , but we're living so many different lives so I can see like there can be that assumption , like it needs to look one way um in order for it to be the right way .

Speaker 1 16:49

This is the age that you should be doing things , and this is the age people , your age yes , there are people there equally , as people who have kids and have a marriage , but they're equal people who are single and have a house and don't have a house and live out .

Speaker 1 16:59

So it's like all of it is like you can't really say you're doing wrong if we're in a decade of where there's a plethora of things going on to everyone At the same time . Let's be real . And so we tend to base oh , because you're not doing it like Susie or like Johnny or like Billy , what's going on , what's wrong with you , what's you know ? And it's just not fair Because you guys I think it's also that notion that you guys started off- together , right , correct , and now , uh , suzy's here , correct , and you're here .

Speaker 2 17:31

Yeah , you know , and you like , I was having this conversation with my friend , um eric and ashley , the other day and we were talking about renting and he was talking about somebody was asking him like you don't want to buy a house , you don't want to , um , uh , leave the apartment

Social Pressure and Self-Reflection

Speaker 2 17:42

? He was like Sarah , I have no problem , I like renting , and if I need something fixed , I can call maintenance . And I'm , like you know what ? I said the same thing the other day too . As much as I would love a house , if something breaks in our apartment we'll call maintenance and they'll be here in less than 24 hours to fix it . There's a sense of responsibility that comes with home ownership that a lot of people don't talk about because it's like kind of glamorous on the outside but what , what is I'm good ? Like why can't I just be ? Okay , I love my apartment , love , why , why can't ?

Speaker 2 18:11

that be okay , people can fix this something malfunctions , I don't have to that stress . It's a lot of responsibility . If I'm good , why is that not good enough for you ? You , you know it'd be one thing if I was like complaining I'm so unhappy I wish . I had more , but how can I get ?

Speaker 1 18:28

one , but if it works , if it's not broke , why fix it ? You know what I mean , and so I do get . Yes , some people are just like not ready for that step , or not even they just don't want it Like you're wasting money renting You're throwing money down the drain . It's somewhere that you actually are living and you're utilizing , it's not .

Speaker 2 18:42

I digress Anywho you know , but I get what ?

Speaker 1 18:45

Now you're chucking my pockets and my uterus . Right , I get it . It's a whole thing . You don't know what people are saving for or what they're trying to do and so yeah , it is . You know what , if that's her preference , maybe like for me saying oh Sarah , I don't know why you don't have a house , I have a house you know , don't you want one maybe ? My preference is to have a house , but her preference is not . She wants to stay in her apartment what's wrong ?

Speaker 2 19:06

with that , that's okay you'll be so much happy with this much space and this much . And then I found out , like a lot of things . It's like well , I , you're the one who taught me . I had to start asking myself , though , why ? Why do I want this ? Why do I really want a house ? It's just to say I have a house . Am I going to be able to keep up with that house ?

Speaker 1 19:25

You know I'm not the most organized , just so that it looks good . Oh , sarah got a house , so that's what it is , by 35 .

Speaker 2 19:28

The whole time you're stuck , or whatever the timelines that we put on ourselves are , or maybe I'll get a house at 45 and it'll be great then , yeah , so I think , and also , we measure things based on material things that we have we have and I think , measure our worth . Yeah , we measure our work and I think people measure things that we've accumulated .

Speaker 1 19:46

Yeah , she has a house she's doing well , so what she wasn't doing well when she was in the apartment ?

Speaker 2 19:49

was she worth less in what she was with the apartment you know ?

Speaker 1 19:53

like what does that look like ? Or someone's all got two houses and you can easily feel like you're unequal when that's not your reality . But maybe you've . Maybe that's not where you've grown , maybe you've grown in , like your mental health and where you are , whatever may be , in different areas of life , which is good . So it's not like you're staying stable , but I think because we tend to want to see something tangible to to equate that to someone going or doing better , yeah progress .

Speaker 1 20:16

Oh , they got the degree because they went to school . That's , that's tangible . The house tangible , the job promotion tangible .

Speaker 2 20:22

Versus peace peace and happiness and joy , because you can be in a house and be miserable .

Speaker 1 20:29

Yeah , you know what I mean and so I think you know um it . It looks different for you know , like for everyone and where they are in their bandwidth and things and honestly , out here it's expensive , it's expensive , it's very expensive , you know , and that's also another reason too , but also it's not you know it , just it's . I just think that we need to not put our own timelines and projections on other people and where they should be or what they should do , or thinking that you know what's really going on .

Speaker 1 20:57

You know , maybe you only see 30% of me , you don't see 360 , so you really don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing , or why I'm where I'm , where you know why I am where I am , um , in certain things , and so , yeah , I don't . It's hard , you know and I , but I also think , let me ask you this do you think pressure comes from just like people , or it can be like other areas and other avenues that pressure can come from and we start to compare ourselves ?

Speaker 2 21:24

I think both . So I think a lot of pressure can come from like . I think family is a big one because I don't know , I was listening to something and they were like that it can't come from like strangers , it has to come from somebody like closely . That's why it feels like , because it's like this is like somebody close to me . So it's like family , friends can pressure you and then . I think yourself , like we , put a lot of pressure on ourselves . I think even maybe like co-workers too .

Speaker 1 21:47

You can like compare yeah , no fair , because you spend a lot of time with people for the most part , yeah , yeah yeah .

Speaker 2 21:52

So I feel like that's . It starts with , maybe , what we talk about our boomer parents and kind of what they accomplished at our age , and then you know how well they're doing now and it's like it did work out for them and they just wanted to work out , if anything more for you , right ? So it's like , if you're kind of not doing that , you're kind of saying like you're going against it , and then you start wondering well , then I find myself like putting pressure . Well then , dang , am I behind . Do I not want ?

Speaker 1 22:20

I do want that , but am I if ?

Speaker 2 22:21

I , if I take a here , then it's going to derail me another three years . Should I have gone this bad ? Then you start second-guessing . I think we know . I think we pretty much know ourselves better than other people do , but for some reason just caring about those outside opinions is kind of where that .

Speaker 1 22:41

And I think they mean well . Like we said earlier , they mean well . It's not coming from a place of like like just trying to hindrance .

Speaker 1 22:48

Yeah right , they mean well , they just want to like , they want to know what does it look like , how can you move forward or how will you move forward . But I think also , it's again what does it looks for me from ? For it looks different to everyone . So you can be told you know , well , you know , I see that you're working . You know you've been there for eight years . You haven't been promoted , yeah , you . But you don't even know how my company runs . You don't even know why I was . You don't . Did I even want the promotion ?

Speaker 2 23:18

that's number one .

Speaker 1 23:18

You know what I mean , and so I think we tend to want things for others that maybe they don't want for themselves , and I think we need to be able to live with that that what you wanted for somebody is not what they maybe want for themselves .

Speaker 2 23:34

Maybe what you want for yourself , maybe I would have wanted the promotion . So I'm thinking , why don't you want the promotion ? But it can't both things . I think the two things can both exist at the same time , correct , I agree .

Speaker 1 23:47

I definitely agree .

Speaker 2 23:49

I think we're very we've been brought up very like black and white , If it's not this it's that . Yeah , if you're not doing this , you must be yeah .

Speaker 1 24:05

If you're not moving , if you're not moving at this rate , in this direction , then you must be going backwards .

Speaker 1 24:07

Right , I hear you , and then sometimes we can even like , I think , we talked about the pushback right about like if we're , if you do want something different and you're brave enough to vocalize it right and and also like we , we thought , like when there's a lot of pressure put on us for certain things that we're wondering why are you saying this ? For example , maybe your parents are like , oh , you should , you know , why don't you have the children and have the marriage and have the house ? We tend to sometimes be triggered , you know , and then often being like did I , even did I ? We tend to want to push back on that , you know and not , you know , not wanted to ? What am I trying to say ? We tend to push back on that because that's not . We don't want to be questioned with these things , right ?

Speaker 2 24:57

And so it's like it's like I'm a grown up and I'm an adult .

Speaker 1 25:00

Let me figure it out my life my way .

Speaker 2 25:03

Right On my terms .

Speaker 1 25:04

Right , it's wild out here , I don't know , it's hard .

Speaker 2 25:10

It is hard , and I think people have a problem vocalizing , like being transparent , because of the fear of like they're not going to ascend . They're going to question me , they're going to say something's wrong with me , but then I'm going to sin . They're going to question me , they're going to say something's wrong with me , but then I'm going to go down this rabbit hole versus just saying and a lot , and I really admire those people who are so unapologetically them and they're like this is my life , this is how I'm going to choose to live it , this is what I'm going to do , and they don't care . Like you know , this is what's going to be good for me right now . I know what's you know best me .

Speaker 2 25:41

Because I feel like on the flip side , I think when you do do something that someone else has now forced you into , that you didn't want , then now it's like you're not going to blame that person Well , you're the one who told me that and then people are going to be like well , they're going to throw it back on you . Why did you make that decision if it wasn't right for you ? You ?

Speaker 1 26:02

know I'm not doing it because you told me .

Speaker 2 26:04

This is what you're pushing . I mean , how many people are pushed into things that they clearly aren't ready for ?

Speaker 1 26:08

So , then , it's also about like standing strong in your convictions and where you are , and accepting even where you are , so that when you do talk about it to people you know you are , there's confidence in that . No , this is what I'm doing , this is where it's at . I don't have to explain it to you .

Speaker 2 26:25

And I'm good , I'm happy , I'm good , I'm happy .

Speaker 1 26:26

If you think different , that's your problem , not my problem . Figure it out within yourself , because I'm this is where I want to be and you don't .

Speaker 2 26:42

But I think we can find ourselves having to explain , over explain , because we want people to understand where we are and sometimes it's not what it is and we want to fit in right . We want to be accepted . I think everyone wants to be understood . Nobody wants to be that only person . Like all my friends are getting married and having kids and buying houses , and I'm the only one you think people want to choose to be actively like the odd man out nobody's true .

Speaker 1 27:00

No , you're right , we all want to be misunderstood , right , we all want that , but maybe my timeline is different than your timeline , so why am I , you know ? Why are we judging each other based on that , you know ?

Speaker 2 27:11

yeah I think we should be able to celebrate the people that did do that that way and are having a great life , and then also celebrate people who choose to do things a different way and what they decide and what they want for themselves .

Speaker 1 27:25

right , like , okay , let's say you're like , we said we're over 35 . Let's say , okay , you haven't found a man , you haven't found anyone . Okay , now you're like you know what ? I don't know when I'm going to find somebody . I think I want to have children . Let me go to a sperm bank , or whatever and do it myself and then people can judge you saying well , why are you going to do that ? You know it's very it's hard to raise children it could be anybody .

Speaker 1 27:44

You know all of these things , yeah and you tend to judge their decision on doing that because you would never . Because you would never do that , but maybe they're really convicted and that's what they want to do , because they really are out here like I don't see nobody around or any partner and I want a child . Is that wrong you ? They should be able to do what they want to do , and then that's . That's okay .

Speaker 2 28:04

It may not have been the way you wanted to do it , but it's not your life , Right , you know so I think my thing is , especially if no one asked for your advice or your opinion , because I think if somebody comes to you with something , then yeah , give them let them with that , yeah , but with .

Speaker 1 28:24

For me it's a lot of like the unsolicited correct advice and opinion and , and you know , I think it's okay to be a disclaimer for example , I had , um , you know , uh , uh , a superior of mine . That was , you know , how do you do ? You know , do you want children ? I'm just letting you know , because if you want children , you may want to consider freezing your eggs , because you know , for me it got a little late and I couldn't do it , and so so you know something I wish I did early on .

Navigating Life Choices and Timelines

Speaker 1 28:45

So I never took it like they're trying to like force me or you know it was more of like just disclaimer . You may want to look into if this is what you want to do , because just for me it wasn't , you know . So I'm just going to give you this advice and you take it , and honestly , right and honestly , I was like you know what ? I never even thought of it . Thank you for saying that , you know , because I didn't even . I love that .

Speaker 1 29:04

You know , but also I think I was also in an immature , sorry , mature setting to receive that and know that you're not really trying to come for me and what I'm doing . You're really just trying to give me some advice , because that's maybe what you learned yourself . You know , yeah , you know and knowing , and I think even like other versions of monica when she was under put probably like what do you mean ?

Speaker 2 29:28

I would probably be like that's just not the way I want to be correct , correct , but what if that's not ?

Speaker 1 29:34

the reality we don't know what life is gonna do you don't know what you don't know . Right , we don't know what we don't know and I think it's okay to say I don't know yet . We talked about this , about like saying like are you gonna do you want to get married ? I don't , maybe . Maybe you just don't know where it's gonna go yet , you know we feel pressured to have an answer for everything right now right it's like what do you mean ?

Speaker 2 29:51

you're 35 and you don't know yet what if you don't people that are ? 55 and don't know if they want to get married .

Speaker 1 29:56

That's true too , you're right they don't know , and they and they are in like relationships , but they just haven't jumped the broom yet . You know what ?

Speaker 1 30:03

I mean and they just don't know if that's what they want to do yet . Or you know , if that's what I , you know , I think you know I we have to respect people and where they are and especially if that's what you want . Like some people maybe don't want to be married , maybe they just really are . Now , if you want to be married and you are somebody who's also , you may want to decide to get out of that . Because if it's 10 years and you still don't you want to get married , it happens . You may want to , because I can see if both are on the agreeance of this , but if one is like not and you know what I mean or like if one person wants kids and one person doesn't , yeah , what you , you may want to . Yeah , I'm not gonna sit here and stay . If you say you don't want that , I'm going to go jump ship .

Speaker 1 30:41

So if you're both of that , agrees , I think it's good to you know . It's just what it is , but yeah .

Speaker 2 30:47

I think that the important thing is getting to know yourself and sitting with yourself enough long enough to know and really think about what it is in general in life that you do want , because I was listening to this podcast . I love listening to podcasts with Lori Gottlieb . She's like a psychotherapist and she was talking to this woman who is like I think this woman's 35 or 36 and she just got married and she was going on and on about how she thought she would have kids by now and she's like she's basically kind of like brushing her husband to having kids . Cause she's like I found I spent all this time like dating you , finding out who were here when you did blah , blah , but then I think they were having some issues in their marriage . So she's thinking like it's not gonna work out , she may have to leave him . But then now she's like telling laurie and the other therapist like if I leave him , I feel like I spent so much time and I'm already in my mid to late 30s and I'm gonna have to rush and try to .

Speaker 2 31:39

you know , I'm basically like she was worried about her clock like her biological clock , and the therapists were telling her sometimes you have to like slow down and really sit in the decision before you like quickly make another one . Because she was like they were talking to her and they were like it seemed like you kind of rushed into this marriage because of your timeline , now you're trying to rush into this baby because of a timeline and then now you may be divorced and like she was even saying like I'm even just willing to just go out and have you know , just to have a baby and just because I'm getting older and just and they were like well , sometimes you have to sit there .

Speaker 2 32:10

It was a lot of pressure and she was putting a lot of it on herself and they were saying something that I really love like sometimes you have to slow down to really like think clearly , yes , instead of like rushing to make those like quick decisions , because I think they were telling her had you slowed down , maybe you would have realized this wasn't the partner for you and maybe you would have found someone who wasn't .

Speaker 2 32:31

You would have had your baby by now but now , because you're , you were making decisions so quickly , and now it's like now she's like , okay , I'm just gonna rush and divorce him and blah blah . And then they're like well again , so why don't you slow down ? Do couples counseling , do therapy , see if you can work it out , because then maybe you you know you guys can and then you can still have your baby , versus you rush out of here , then you waste another five years dating and then you really don't get your . So it's like her rushing was kind of causing her to miss out on these things , which is where I feel like a lot of people are . They're like okay , timeline clock , I got to figure out . She's like , no , really sit in things and take your time and then the decision will come , because you're getting there in a place of stillness and peace and clarity .

Speaker 2 33:13

You're making the decision To even think You're not hasting , yes , making the decision .

Speaker 1 33:18

Based on a timeline or a judgment or something like that . It'd be us , sometimes our own selves , honestly . But I wonder , did that pressure stem from other things , more than her that maybe caused her to ?

Speaker 2 33:31

But like you said it , was like her biological clock .

Speaker 1 33:33

But also , I think , culture pushes that clock as if it is a blanket for everyone , when it's not true . Everyone's body is different . Everyone's body is , you know , does their own thing . Their own uteruses are different , so there's no need to . You know we can't compare . Oh , you know , there's many people that have had babies at 40 , 45 , 50 , you know again , we know the signs of signs . I know I personally wouldn't want it at 50 because I just I need to be able to move and run , you know

Navigating Societal Pressures and Personal Decisions

Speaker 1 34:01

.

Speaker 2 34:01

So you know , for other reasons , you know , but I think you know um that that can really make us make harsh decisions , like this girl did , or maybe do you think like sometimes , like those pressures can make a person like forego their own decision altogether , like maybe they did have their own plan and their own . You know decision they they did have their own plan and their own . You know decision . They're like you know what people have pressured me into , like my ways , the wrong way , so let me just screw it , forget it .

Speaker 1 34:28

I just won't do it my way then , right , I hear you because , like , let's okay , going back to the whole , you know you may want to freeze your eggs or whatever it may be thing , and it's like , okay , um , maybe that's not what you never thought of doing , but now , because of this pressure , you're really like looking . Oh my God , maybe I need to .

Speaker 2 34:41

That could be your reality now . Yeah .

Speaker 1 34:43

Maybe I need to go to this and it's just like , well , wait , let's think , is that what you really wanted to do , or are you just doing that based on because you just got the idea and you really are ? Now I feel like people and society can push you into a decision . You never were thinking of making to begin with that one , because they now put something in your purview that made you start to worry . Wait , should I be concerned about ? Maybe I ?

Speaker 2 35:07

wasn't concerned , because I wasn't concerned Now .

Speaker 1 35:09

I'm concerned Right Now . I'm like , oh , should I be concerned about that ? You know , I thought I still had time . I thought what is my oyster ?

Speaker 2 35:20

There's still time to get married . Now you still had time . I thought that what is my oyster ? There's still time to get married . So now you're a senior citizen , right ?

Speaker 1 35:28

so I think we have to be careful of not allowing that energy , the outside noise yes , outside , I call it outside , yeah to penetrate already what we already have decided in our minds and let other people influence us to decisions that we never wanted to make . You know , I think we can definitely do that because we've let that pressure come to us , you know , and it's like what you let that pressure come to us , you know , and it's like what you know . For example , if it's like you know , oh sorry , been in that job for eight years , why are you not going ?

Speaker 1 35:48

Another Leaving , limiting myself right now , start to question your decisions based on what the comments someone has said . Yeah , you know , and I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to say those things , but it's like , if that's what you're never thinking of , I think it's good to sit and think and gauge Is it the person ? Is it you , were you ? I can understand if you're already on that bandwidth of thinking you need to leave and that person said that to you . Maybe that's a confirmation that maybe you do need to leave because I was really thinking about this anything .

Speaker 1 36:23

But if you were just moseying on along and that came out , you'd be like wait a minute . Now I'm like am I overstating ? Am I limiting myself ? I think it's worth reflection if someone says , especially someone close to you but , then also come to your conclusion .

Speaker 1 36:37

You know , I think they may have a point , but not right now , maybe in the future or you know what , maybe I do need to think about this . You know , I think it's good to like go over it , but not make a harsh decision based on what they say someone else said because also , a lot of people what I'm learning , we talk about this all the time are projecting correct .

Speaker 2 36:55

So a lot of people project a lot of things on us and if you're not really like solid , you're on who you are and what you want , that yeah , you're like are they overpaying on their underpayment ? Yeah , when really that was not even about you or that job . Maybe they had a bad experience at a company they gave their whole life to and they think that's gonna happen to you when it because they always they felt like maybe they overstayed their welcome , so they don't want you to overstay your welcome , but maybe once you're not overstaying your welcome .

Speaker 1 37:25

Maybe you're . You're where you need to be .

Speaker 2 37:28

Maybe I'm celebrated here , maybe I'm encouraged here , maybe I'm yeah . So it's , oh my gosh , that projecting is so , it's so serious our fears and our wants and our worries onto people , yeah , or ?

Speaker 1 37:41

where they think you should be . You should be a manager by now . You should be a ceo by now . You know there's been a lot of time you need to be doing . You need to be , because they thought that maybe that's where they wanted to be and they never got to be , that maybe the time expired or whatever . So they just again . Maybe they just don't want you to miss out and doing all those things . But what if that's not where your path leads to ? Maybe you're just meant to stay where you are or to flourish when you're ready to flourish , not when they think you need to flourish . Because we can sometimes miss the blessing when we move in haste . We can sometimes miss things that are oh , because if you would just stay still , God would have blessed that but you decided to move .

Speaker 1 38:20

I guess as well . So good luck .

Speaker 2 38:21

Because now it's like say well , now am I only valuable or worthy as the CEO of the company ? What , what about just a line level employee ? Is my worth then tied ? Into that and then you're kind of missing those small blessings , I think because you're waiting for that big thing . I think that's for me was like a lot of you know , when this big thing happens , I'll celebrate when I get that big , that new car or that big ? House , then I'll start celebrating my life . Why ?

Speaker 1 38:45

can't you celebrate ? I have a great life now . I have a lot of things now that a lot of people would exactly yes , it's always the next thing , the next thing , the next thing , the next thing , the next thing because I do believe that's how culture does . Celebrate people is the next thing .

Speaker 2 38:58

The next thing the next , next , next , okay , next , next , next , okay . You graduated , now what's next ?

Speaker 1 39:02

Next . Now , what's next ? Okay , now what's next ?

Speaker 2 39:04

So you , never really bask in the glory of what you've even attained . No .

Speaker 1 39:07

Until you look back and be like I've done so many things and I missed it myself the fruits of your labor . I missed it myself . You worked so and now you're miserable because you never really got to celebrate and really truly go and understand where you're going . It's hard , oh man , it's unfortunate . It is . It's so sad , you know , we just need to be able to be grateful and have gratitude for what we are now and be content when we are right now what we have versus what we don't have Right now .

Speaker 2 39:35

Right now .

Speaker 1 39:36

And look more at what we have than what we don't have , more what we have than what we don't have , and that's something I've even had to like retrain my mind . We took the focus on what we haven't done what we aren't where we have a future , right future . Instead of look at where we've come , look what we've attained , we should be proud of ourselves for where we are and what we've done and how we're navigating and moving , and you know how far you've come right and then and then be like I'm yes .

Speaker 2 40:01

Who was I listening to ? I think it was Viola Davis . Somebody had interviewed her like in the beginning of her career and they were like this is as far as you go , and you never go any further than this . Is that enough ? And she was like you know what Things are good right now ? I think I would be happy if things so . It's like starting to ask myself if I never get to move out of this apartment , would I be okay ?

Speaker 1 40:20

it's not the dream but , I think I would be fine you know , I'm not the world is not gonna come crumbling around me , right , right , right , or if you never get married , or if you never get you know , like those things , like , are you able to hold the tension of yes ?

Speaker 2 40:34

I would like it , but it doesn't happen . Great , yes , but it doesn't happen , am I ?

Speaker 1 40:39

does that mean my life is over ? No , it doesn't , doesn't you know what I mean , and so I think , holding both ends of that spectrum you know for your life and even for other , I think when you can do that for you , you also are easily to accept that for other people as well .

Speaker 2 40:52

Yes , I think you're easily to accept that You're like .

Speaker 1 40:54

you know what I get it . You know if she's great , I support you , whether you do or you don't , because I know you're going to be good regardless , correct .

Speaker 2 41:01

I think that's what we should start telling people .

Speaker 1 41:03

Either way , you're good , yeah , god's with you either way .

Speaker 1 41:06

Whichever , way it goes , you know , and it's not . One way is right , one way is wrong , and I think that's what it is , you know . Yes , we tend to look at it like it's all or nothing , like you're all or , and that's not true . We're able to be exactly like who we are , how we're meant to be . So , yeah , it can be unfortunate sometimes , but I think , like you said , it's just being stable , holding your ground , not allowing the outside noise to come and cloud your judgment .

Speaker 2 41:34

You know just be firm , being unapologetically , you and being unapologetically you and you being you is enough . You being you is enough . You being you is enough .

Speaker 1 41:43

Period Point blank . Stamp it Period . Whatever you want to do to it , yeah , on that note . Yeah , thanks for

Respecting Differences and Acceptance

Speaker 1 41:56

listening . I know it's probably probably went on and on , but I think it was an important conversation . It was , it was .

Speaker 2 42:02

And it's okay to not agree with everything that we're saying , of course . And how someone else is living , but it just no , it's what's working for them .

Speaker 1 42:10

Right , exactly , and maybe they're happy about it , even though it may not be what you thought it would be for them , and if they're happy with it , then be happy for them and accept them where they are .

Speaker 2 42:20

Yeah that's all we want . Thank you , guys cheerio I'm going home , I'm going to bed now . Bye you .