Wellness in Friendship: Part 2

In this episode, Monica and Serah continue the conversation on exploring the significance of true friendship, the beauty and its complexities. Join them as they dive into the various dimensions and seasons of friendship. This conversation acknowledges how to determine who your true friends are, how to navigate friendships and the toll of life’s ebbs and flows on the capacity and expectations of friendships

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Transcript

Maintaining Friendships Through Intentional Effort

Speaker 1 0:17

Hello , hello , hello , welcome back . My name is Monica and I'm Sarah , and this is blessed to be a mess podcast . We back . We are back with part two , continuing the conversation from last week about friendships and how to nurture them , and wellness and friendships , so we're just gonna jump right in . So , sarah , you know , what do you think are ways to meet friends these days , now , at this big age ? I ?

Speaker 2 0:51

think it's important to have like hobbies and be into like extra curricular activities . So I mean for me a lot of my friends I've made at work . So first of all I think work is a big one because you have that shared , you know career goal . But another one is probably like activities . Maybe you go to like a gym , yoga , I do Pilates .

Speaker 1 1:16

Sumba class .

Speaker 2 1:17

And then that way at least , you have a friendship based on like that common goal . Like someone that you can do things together that you both enjoy .

Speaker 1 1:28

I love that I like that . Yeah , I agree , I agree , I think you know having the shared interests , the shared experience , I think , especially now that we're older and we're like , not in school anymore .

Speaker 1 1:43

Now it used to be the best way to meet someone . And now it's work , like you said , because even me , some of my friendships sheltered from work and people that I've just worked with in the past and because , like you said , we're there majority of the time , you know . So a co-worker can easily become a friend , I think . And then I think another way . I was watching this sermon the other day and the pastor basically said how do you meet friends is by being friendly , and I got what he meant like attracts , like if you're open , honest and friendly , people are attracted to you to be friends , you know . And so you know , if you're opening your job , if you're going , like you said , you go to a volunteer event , you go to a church event also , you know , yeah , like a mixer or like a speak easy , or you know a show .

Speaker 1 2:36

Yeah , exactly Like I think we were just talking about . You know you like to go to the Kennedy Center , you like to go to little shows , ballet you can easily meet people there , you know , and foster . Yes , like my and who you're equally yoked with also . You know , I think that's the best way to do it , so yeah .

Speaker 2 2:57

Why do you ?

Speaker 1 2:58

sorry , do I think it's easy to just go up and approach a straight , you know .

Speaker 1 3:03

I think it has to start somewhere . I think it starts with conversation , like I don't have a problem just striking up a conversation with a rando , you know , I don't have a problem with that , you know , and sometimes it may be a long one . It's supposed to be a short one and then you leave and that's it . It really just depends . I think also , the more you see like , let's say , you've constantly met this person , let's say you go to a Zoom class , you constantly met this person , every day , every day , maybe you might be like hey , you know , we got a long one and we go yeah , you live

Speaker 1 3:28

around here yeah , maybe we can meet up . Are you going to be in the class tomorrow ? Because I did have , I did do a run club like years ago , so before the pandemic , and I remember like from that I met some people and then we also went after the whole experience was done and we ran the 5k . We still were trying to meet up like , hey , are you going running today ? Hey , we still wanted to keep the momentum going . So I ended up meeting friends that way too , but it didn't last too long because we ended up , like I did not , continuing with the run club and all of that . But that could have easily been a way that was potential to have you know great way to meet people you know as well . Why do you think it's hard for people like once they do get the friends , to like maintain ?

Speaker 2 4:07

I think , like we said , it's our busy schedules , right . A lot of people , especially our age now , have kids families . They're working . Some people are working multiple jobs . Yes , maybe take care of parents or older other family members , yeah , so I think I don't know . Is it like that ? Well , no , because we all have 24 hours in the day .

Speaker 1 4:26

But I think you know everyone's , everyone's season looks different , right , and so I think you know , sometimes it may not be the right season to meet somebody , but I think you also have to make space for what you want to do and be intentional about it , and so you have to , like you know , foster it and , you know , do things like that . I just think I also I was just thinking here . I think sometimes they make it harder than what it is . Sometimes I think we always want to be like oh , I , you know what to do , this , I gotta call you every day . And sometimes it's not like that .

Speaker 1 4:57

Maybe it's just like even checking up on someone , maybe it's even just like I don't know , yeah , like a text , or maybe even sometimes even like I , sometimes it's crazy I'll be having a conversation with Instagram with one friend and then we're having a text conversation . We're both at the same room . It's like you know , things like that . I think you know it doesn't have to be like every day . I'm calling you every day . Yeah , no , we don't have time . Like , yeah , life is busy , no , we . Especially if you have children and you have a husband or a wife , it really can be hard , and even for a single people we ain't got time .

Speaker 2 5:31

It can be a lot People think , as you're single , yes , we have all this noticeable income and time .

Speaker 1 5:37

We get tired too , cause I always get the question what are you tired about , ma'am ? Okay , I work , you know . So I think I think we just I think sometimes we can make it harder than what it is , and I think you know there are a lot of outside factors that are beyond our control that can also contribute to it being hard to actually keep it going . I really do think the main thing is by being intentional about it , like creating the space , wanting to actually meet up with people and actually have that kind of communication , making that effort where they'll be like oh come , maybe starting a book club with something , like something that can connect you right , a book club , or let's meet up to go walking or let's meet up . You know , it can be the smallest things and I think that can transfer in and help in the long term to maintain that friendship , cause you're not just looking to go out to eat or looking to just text you like okay , let's actually do some things , and making the space for that . I think .

Speaker 2 6:30

I was gonna say it has to go both ways , right . If you hear like people saying like I'm the one planning . We were talking about this . What is the one making the plans and setting the appointments and setting the place . So then you feel like you're the one like kind of doing like all the work or maybe going to their place or they don't come to see you or what have you . I think that can make it hard if the person doesn't feel like it's reciprocated .

Speaker 1 6:51

That's also true too , and I think we also talked about like maybe I'm thinking of our friendship like it's at 80% , but you're thinking for 20% . There's gonna be that unleveledness right there . So it's like maybe having that conversation hey , where are we ? Are we ? Is this a season we're able to really foster into it ? And also they bring it to someone's attention , like I think we talked about like hey , I've been asking you five times . I've talked to you the last five times to go somewhere .

Speaker 1 7:13

You know , why are we ? You know , like I'm not about to ask you again , because then I feel like it's just me doing it .

Speaker 1 7:18

I'm not the only one that cares about the friendship you know , or what does that look like ? So I think , having those conversations and not just leaving everything up to assumptions because maybe that person may tell you I'm so sorry , I had a rough week , I had a rough month this is just not a good time for me . I don't have enough . I'm really busy this time of the year or I'm busy in this season , and I think we all can understand that . But I think when you're in the absence of information , we assume things . So I think , being open enough to say you know , okay , I wanna feed in , I wanna maintain what does that look like , you know ? And being responsive to it , like if someone's hitting you up and you don't hit them back and it's like wait , you know yeah .

Speaker 2 7:53

It seems like you don't really .

Speaker 1 7:55

You don't , you didn't care to . You know , move this forward . And I think when you start to feel that way , then you'll be like , well , I don't wanna care either cause you don't wanna be the only one , throwing yourself in . You know , you know , I mean , that's why it's best to communicate , I think , in that area .

Speaker 2 8:10

So then do you think when that starts to happen you can kind of see that the relationship maybe has run its course ? Like , do you think some friends are only in your life , like for a season , or you know what I have .

Speaker 1 8:24

I think there may be . I think every season looks different . There gonna be maybe you talk a lot and then a season where you don't talk a lot , depending on what may be going on . I've had that in friendships where there's a season where maybe we're doing something together or maybe like a trip's coming up , so we're in communication though , cause we're going away together , and then there's a reason why I , like I haven't talked to you in like , you know , a month or two , and not because I have a problem or they have a problem , it's just the way life is doing .

Speaker 1 8:45

Thing is going , you know , and we're just busy . So it's and I have to say it's not , and I don't think like if you're really truly , you don't think about the people . Maybe it's just like oh , I know I need to get with her , but I don't even have time to , you know . But I think also checking in may be good , you know , to do that , to just say , hey , I'm talking about you , it's really busy , but we need to find some time to go out or do something or whatever it may be . But I don't think that's the end , all be all . I think , unless you've had a conversation , that it is the end , all be all . I don't think you can assume that . I think it's just best to , you know , play it

Navigating Friendships Through Life's Changes

Speaker 1 9:17

by ear .

Speaker 1 9:17

Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 9:19

Well , what about like ? Do you feel like you have friends , like we used to do everything together , we used to do this , and then now it's like we talked about this right , like you're in a relationship or you have kids ?

Speaker 1 9:28

Yeah .

Speaker 2 9:29

So now one person's relationship , like your portion of the relationship , kind of changes .

Speaker 1 9:34

Yeah , so it affects both of us .

Speaker 2 9:36

Yes , because now we no longer have the same dynamic that we used to . Yes , and then that can maybe kind of affect the relationship , because now that maybe the quote unquote single person doesn't understand why the new parents yes .

Speaker 1 9:48

Now I don't see you anymore . Yeah , we can't do things that we're not used to anymore , yeah .

Speaker 2 9:53

So I feel like there's like not a lot of grace on both sides , but you hear a lot of people kind of drifting apart when big life , but life things happen yeah .

Speaker 1 10:01

And I think it can be on both ends too , cause maybe it's I think it could , especially when you're , like you said , becoming a new mom or you're new in a relationship . You're trying to figure out how that works in your life , how to this transition now , what does that look like ? And so you're not thinking about trying to keep fostering your relationships . You're just like I now need to just figure out how do I even take care of this child , and I think that needs to be grace for the people around to understand that you're in a pivotal portion and just give people their time , what they need , and I . But I also think that comes with maturity too to know that it's not about you .

Speaker 1 10:29

Some of you take things as about us , cause I've had friends who've had children , and then it's like okay , I already know what's going to change . It's not going to be like what it is . But I'm also not about to just like abandon you , cause I feel like we're still friends . But maybe it's more of like okay , maybe I need to be the one to hit you up a little more , because maybe you're not thinking about right , or come to you more and be like okay , I'll make the reservation , I'll book the this or I'll do this , whatever it may be , until the person gets a rhythm and flow of where they are with things and then they can cause don't people do notice that ?

Speaker 1 10:57

They notice when one person has been taking up the task and doing everything and they're like okay , you know , I know you always do it , let me do it this day . Or thank you for doing this , yeah , correct , correct , and don't look at it as and that's what I think that comes with grace , cause I think we can feel like I'm always doing it , we can have that thought I'm doing it , doing it , doing it . But I think we have to , like I said , give that grace and be knowledgeable , that , okay , let me help them out , because I would assume if this was me , they would help me too , you know . But now , if it's been three years , I feel like you've well adjusted to that role . Now we can't be three years and I'm still doing stuff .

Speaker 1 11:34

So we need to so there's a cutoff at some point where the person's like okay , cause , if I was on this , hey , let's get up , get up , get up , get up . I think , after they've gotten the rhythm , that the people like hey , you know , let's get up , let's do , cause it shouldn't just be one sided , you know , On that , like , hey , let's do something , hey , am I going to you know , cause I think we can easily feel that way , you know , and if it ends up being the way it says something hey , you know , I know you are a new mom you're having , you know you're in a transition , so I give you the year , you know , and now it's , and so I think you know you can also hit me up too . You know , I don't always have to be the one to do it too .

Speaker 2 12:07

I think it takes like five seconds to send the text .

Speaker 1 12:09

It does . It does it does Because people who are like busier than Joe Biden and often I think they're thinking about it .

Speaker 1 12:16

They just haven't executed it yet , cause there's many times that someone has hit me up and I'm like , oh , I was going to hit you up , yes , I was going to ask you let's go . So we're both thinking the same thing , but I just didn't get a chance to like actually send the text or send the call . And so I think we're often thinking about hey , I've been thinking about you , we need to get up . Hey , you know , sorry to you know , and I like it when it's like that and no one is feeling no type of way . We're not mad , it just is what it is . You're going to , you know , I think everything is also in God's timing . It's going to happen when it's going to happen . So I think , also keeping that faith that you know it is .

Speaker 1 12:46

But I do believe if you are feeling like you're taking on most of the burden and you have given that grace , yes , say something . You know , I think we can have honest conversations in the friendship and not just let it go . I'm not going to say anything , it's fine . You know , also pick your poison Sometimes . Is it worth it ? I don't know . You know you're from best right To see if that's it you know they can receive it if they are your friends .

Speaker 1 13:06

Yeah , I hope so .

Speaker 2 13:08

If I'm mature enough to receive these things and know that's not the best , I think that's also why it's important that when you do transition into another area of your life , whether you do get married or have kids , or get a new job or what have you that you also make friends that are in that same kind of space Like you , get them married friends and the new mommy friends .

Speaker 1 13:26

Yes , I agree .

Speaker 2 13:27

Because it's . I mean I would assume it's just easier . Yeah , those people just understand , Not to say your other friends won't , but I think people who are going through the same things in life that you're going through , it's just automatic , Like some things you don't even have to say they just get it , you know

Navigating Relationships With Empathy and Understanding

Speaker 2 13:42

.

Speaker 1 13:42

I find myself sometimes over explaining certain things to my single friends , and then I'm here and they jump out oh yeah , I'm ready , Gotcha . Yeah , no , I hear you .

Speaker 2 13:50

Yeah , so it's like you're like oh , I don't understand , you don't get it . So I really think it's very important to have a different yeah , different the different groups around .

Speaker 1 14:00

I think so and I think you can , because also I remember even sometimes you would be like , oh , I'm touching my single first and you guys are telling me things that I didn't even think of , I didn't know that it was .

Speaker 1 14:09

You guys are struggling this way , whatever Because you've been in a relationship and you're married , and so I think it's good to have the different groups Because you , being in that space , you're not seeing it from a single person's point of view , and maybe vice versa , maybe you're not seeing it from a married person's point of view . So I think it's good to have those different someone with kids , someone married , someone single or whatever may be and have that array so you can be like you know Also , you learn from people . So even now , when I have kids or whatever , I'm like I remember she told me this was the ghetto and so you know , like you know whatever . I'm just kidding , but you know , I think it's often good to .

Speaker 1 14:46

Yeah , it's a learning curve , but if you just , I think sometimes we can silo ourselves , like I'm just going to hang out with single people because they just only know what I'm going through , and I'm guilty of having this mindset Like , oh , my friends with kids or married they're too busy , I don't want to bombard them , I don't want to be too much , you know . I know they have other things to cater to , so you know , maybe you're not feeling as being open to them . Has maybe your single friends , because maybe they may have and obviously they have more free time , maybe they're more open or whatever maybe . But I've learned you don't know till you ask , don't assume .

Speaker 2 15:14

Well , I've heard that like people are like well , since I got married , my friends don't know .

Speaker 1 15:19

They lost a way , so nobody invites me anywhere . Yeah , I think we can assume .

Speaker 2 15:22

I mean nobody , you know , tomorrow and said you want to go to Jamaica , Right right , right , right right .

Speaker 1 15:28

I think you should know , like , what are the boundaries there of what to not do ? But I think sometimes it could be like well , I'm not even going to buy her a cashier , I know she's going to have somebody to watch the baby , she's going to have this . That's not my place to solve . If I've invited you and you're able to , great if you can . Let's not make decisions for other people . You know , and I think we all need to be preview of that . Or even another time it'll be like oh , let me always call my single friend because she always going to . You know we're on a busy day , beautiful , yeah , that's also true too .

Speaker 2 15:53

You know it goes both welves In the other person's shoes ?

Speaker 1 15:57

No we do not , we don't . And I think having those different groups can open up your eyes Like , OK , you know what , Let me just see . Ok , you know what's going on here .

Speaker 1 16:06

Because I've had many single friends I'm like , oh , she's going to be available . And it's like , oh , no , I'm doing . Ok , sorry , no , no , correct . So you know you have to take it all with a grain of salt , but I just try to be like I don't know till I ask . Or you know what's going on and , yeah , I might think maybe they don't have a sitter , maybe they're not able to get out of the house or maybe they're not able to . But let me just ask you , and sometimes I'm surprised hey , yeah , I'm good . Hey , let's go . All right , I'm free , let's go . Are you able to ? You know , there you go exactly .

Speaker 1 16:32

But like you said , now I'm not going to ask you and be like can we meet in an hour ? And you know no , you have to give people . Like I said , why don't you go Jamaica tomorrow ? You know . But also don't ask me to go to Jamaica . That's not what I'm doing , you know , like shoot . You know I may have more flexibility , but you know .

Speaker 2 16:50

It's the . What is it ? You've got to empathize .

Speaker 1 16:53

You have to try to put yourself in tension , yes , and have compassion . Life looks different now .

Speaker 2 16:57

You and me at a different time , yes , and if we are really friends . Yes , you will definitely get that the love is still there , correct , but it just may look a little different .

Speaker 1 17:06

Correct , that's the hard part , and I don't know why we don't like having hard conversations at that time , because then we tend to just assume that , oh , she doesn't call me no more , she got a man and she don't care , and it's like no people are just trying to figure out how to transition and sometimes we've got to give people the space for that transition . And what is that going to look like ? Are you going to be available ? Are you not going to be ? What does that mean ? Or even someone might get a job that's more demanding , so maybe you used to go to .

Speaker 1 17:34

Hat Guy with them every Wednesday . Now they're like I can't . So I think it's many things that can cause a divide , but we need to know that it's not always , it's not about me , it's about the situation and where people are in their different seasons , and just communicate that , like you said , and I also feel like do you ever feel like sometimes you have to always be on and ready to do something ?

Speaker 2 17:53

I feel like it's nice to like , especially like even when I go to your sister's house , we can just sit in the house and do nothing . Yeah , that's just .

Speaker 1 18:01

Yeah , yeah , no , I'm with you . Oh , I get what you're saying , like do you always got to go out ? No ,

Nurturing Adult Friendships

Speaker 1 18:06

I don't think so . No , some people don't think that you're not just spending money . Yes , yes , it can be a lot . I don't feel like dressing up , I don't . I just want to throw my sweatpants and just no , I think sometimes it can be , you know .

Speaker 2 18:19

I think people have a hard time with that . How does like what other relationships ?

Speaker 1 18:23

do you have with ? People , yes , yes , I know , I know , yeah , no , you're right .

Speaker 1 18:27

It does not have to be a big production , and I think those are the most intimate and best times to let's just sitting in the house watching TV having a conversation , not going out Because you're right , because now it's spending money , now it's all of these things . You're right , I don't know . Maybe I don't know . I think maybe because maybe that's what she used to do in the past . So you continue this , maybe what people want to do , maybe listen , maybe we don't ever say oh , but also , are we creating this fate ? Like , maybe are we inviting them over ? Are we doing our part ? Are we Because sometimes we can say all that ?

Speaker 1 18:55

Maybe no one is comfortable to say , hey , come over to my place or hey , come over to your place , let's just chill . Maybe we're just like , oh , we have to go do something , we have to go do something , but you're right , can we just all do a potluck and just come and bring food and just hang out and chill ? Of course we need the space and I get it . These days , you know , people , we're supposed to be about the company , right , correct it is . We don't know what we are doing no , we shouldn't .

Speaker 1 19:17

It shouldn't Because , you're right , sometimes we don't have the money , but maybe it's also like OK , well , I don't want the person to be over , so let me OK please , you don't want to cook ? Or some people . I think sometimes people want their space to be like their space and maybe they want their outspace to be . That's where they talk . That's for me , you know . For me I like to go .

Speaker 2 19:33

I'm an extrovert . I'm a very introvert person . I like to go out . My home is more like my winding down place , so for me I'd rather go out and stay in , but I get it . I don't mind having people over , but I can see how , why some people would prefer to have a home .

Speaker 1 19:47

Yeah , yeah , yeah they want to , because sometimes they want to get out the house , because I have a friend who she lives alone and she's , you know , and I'm always like , oh , I love going places alone and going to the restaurants and all of that . And she's like , well , I'm already here alone , I don't want to go out and be alone too , because she spends a lot of her time alone anyway Because of how she's working . And so I did think of it . I was like you know what You're right , I get what you're saying . Yeah , she wants to be with other people . So that's what she wants to go out and be with other people . And I'm like , ok , I get that , I can see that happening . So I think it's both sides of the coin right Of how to do that . But how do you think has adults , how can we nurture our friendships ? I mean , that may be the same as me taking home .

Speaker 2 20:30

But how ?

Speaker 1 20:31

can we nurture ? We have the same thing .

Speaker 2 20:33

Like we said , calling checking out people . I think support is a big one for me . Like sure we talked about this Because I think it's easy to be there when things are good and celebrate people , but what about when things are going bad or falling apart ? Or maybe I need to crash on your couch .

Speaker 1 20:55

There you go A couple of dollars .

Speaker 2 20:57

I'm having a hard time . My car broke Like aren't those the true times ?

Speaker 1 21:01

Yeah , not just the good times , right when things are going , you know it's easy for us to be there , not just being surface level right , getting to a vulnerable spot with people . You know , I agree , I think , being kind and opening up , like you said , what's going on ? Are you good ? Do you need me to stop by ? Do you need to hang ? Because sometimes people just want to maybe sit with you , nothing more . They don't want anything from you necessarily but , they just know that you're there .

Speaker 1 21:31

Yes , correct . And also I'm sure that you can be trusted that if I'm telling you something and you're here , it's staying here . You know what I mean . It's not going anywhere , that I can rely on you , things like that , you know . I think , like I said before , we have to create space . I think if we're not creating space , then what are we really doing ? Because it is a relationship , and relations in general , just hard to foster with us . Your mom is your daddy's , your husband's , your wife . They're just hard co-workers . It does take work and intentionality and I think we have to be able to put that effort .

Speaker 2 22:08

And .

Speaker 1 22:09

I know , maybe I think sometimes we can be lazy . I'm gonna put myself in that boat . Sometimes I don't feel like going . Today I had a hard day at work . I don't like , I don't want to get addressed . I know I've been seen in a while , but I just want to , like , crawl up in my bed and watch Netflix . Yeah , but when I do get myself up and go , I'm so happy . I went my gosh , I'm so happy . So sometimes we have to fight the feelings , right , because our feelings are difficult , right ? Yes , it's so many excuses we can give because you just you want us to come to your comfort level . So after a long week , you're like I only feel like hanging , you know Da-da-da-da-da , and so I think it's , it's putting yourself out there and actually being intentional about it and it's gonna be doing things when you don't feel like doing different . I go to work every day .

Speaker 2 22:50

No , but you still show up .

Speaker 1 22:52

Yes , you know . So I think , of course , if you're sick and this I'm not saying , go out there , I'm your last to win , but you know when you're . You know there's been many times that I've been like , oh , she was to go and I don't want to go anymore , and I'm like this I mean these plants , right , wasn't a good mood and I don't want to . I shouldn't have committed .

Speaker 1 23:10

You know all of these things yes oh , I like that Showing up , because if you say and you always cancel , your canceling , kathy , what we gonna do like now . I mean like you always cancel why you know you are you what we ? Gonna get tired of even saying I don't even trust that you're gonna show up right .

Speaker 1 23:42

I think you can say that I can spend our four times and invited you . I don't feel like you show up . Is there a problem or whatever ? I'm seeing this behavior and they have things going on and maybe the guys are just tired this and that and I get . I'm not saying push yourself to the capacity . If you really are depleted in this , I think people can understand and get that . But For the most part , like I said , you gotta , you have to sometimes just push through .

Speaker 2 24:02

I mean they do .

Speaker 1 24:18

Yeah , no , they definitely do like . Or like , even make a game plan , like okay , maybe we can't see each other every month , maybe it's every quarter , like I have a friend , the other day we met up after a long time . Or like let's try for every quarter because we just know how busy we are , you know , and it's not it , we're just like . Let's just start there , like cuz , I'm one , I'm like you know , no , we're just like .

Speaker 1 24:37

Let's just try to meet up every quarter , because we I know you're busy , I'm busy between , and we also have other things going on let's just commit to just doing every three months , once every three months and I think Calendar , and then you like yeah , yeah , no , when the three months come up . Okay , we've done this first quarter . Now this summer , like , hey , what , once our meetup gonna be , you know this month or whatever I had to do , even some of my girl groups .

Speaker 2 24:58

I'm like hey , can we meet up ?

Speaker 1 25:00

once a quarter at least , because I get it . Maybe that one's in tip-buck to that one's flying forward , that one's doing and so wait , let's be very real . Sometimes when you do even say let's meet up , it's gonna be three months later from now , because that's when everyone's available . So I think Once a quarter is a good goal at this time . Now can it get better ? Absolutely , but let's start somewhere . You know what I mean . Let's just because sometimes it can be like , oh , it should be every month . I'm not even gonna commit to every month with you , sis , it's not what to do . That I know myself . I know how my life goes . Next thing I'm looking at this January 1 and it's . The whole month has gone by . Absolutely not . I am not about to commit to you every single month . I can do every quarter now in them . If we happen to roll in to , maybe we squeeze another one in the quarter . Great Like .

Speaker 2 25:50

This is what it is correct .

Speaker 1 25:52

That's also the yes . I mean you like eight hours I know , I know .

Speaker 2 26:09

Yeah but a lot can happen in that short amount of time it can .

Speaker 1 26:13

And then sometimes I think like I would think it's a lot like , for example , it's like maybe I go out with a friend and then maybe we don't talk for a while and then I go here , we need to catch them . I'm like , wait , it's been three months since we like it's been and it didn't . It doesn't seem like it's been three months , but it's been three months , just because of how time is going so fast . So you like wait , we saw each other in November and I was wait . I didn't know . It doesn't seem like it's been that long . So I just saw you , you know . But I think that's why you know it can yeah , we can sometimes have that false notion of like oh , you know , we , we did just hang , but no we didn't .

Speaker 1 26:52

No , it should not be stressing . You know , and I think when someone is equally I was equally as busy , but equally like on the same length as you , they get it . But if they got all this time and they free will , they're not gonna get it . Because I will , personally , like I , like I totally get it when someone's like , hey , I'm not able to make it , I'm just not it's been a week Get it too , so I don't want to go either . So We'll catch up next time I'm also tired too .

Speaker 1 27:20

So I'm always like when please get kids , I do that , I do that too , I do that . Just say , hey , it's just if you planned it like two weeks in advance or what means them as like , yeah , we still good for , are we still good for july 19th ? Just making sure , are you still feeling the same ? Because I know , like you said , it's a feeling . I made these plates when I was feeling good and now I'm tired . That's why I often , when I'm getting invited to something or someone's asking me something , if I know I'm not in a good mood , I'm tired , I do not respond , because I don't get a respond based on how I'm feeling that day in the moment , so I wait yes , I would be like I don't know what I'm gonna feel like , let me just wait .

Speaker 1 28:00

So maybe I wait till , like maybe a next day or whatever . No , you know , I think that's fine , I think I can do that , you know , because I I don't have to tell you like right away .

Speaker 2 28:08

Right , because I was like let me sit on it , let me sit on it , like let me look at my calendar .

Speaker 1 28:15

Let me sit on it because maybe I'm the way I'm feeling now . No , I want to sleep , but let me . I may feel differently when the week comes to . You never know . Maybe I'm gonna get good sleep this weekend . I can go with you .

Speaker 2 28:28

I'm like Correct .

Speaker 1 28:40

Correct .

Speaker 2 28:49

Saying so .

Speaker 1 28:50

I had a fair form . I want to miss out .

Prioritizing Rest and Boundaries

Speaker 1 28:52

Then you burn out yourself because now you've planned something Thursday , friday , saturday . You've double booked yourself on Sunday and you have not rested . My friend , I'm about rest this year , like , if , like my , like sometimes my plan is this week I'm going to rest . So no , do you have plans ? Like I want people like , do you have plans this weekend ? Yes , I do . You have to know it's my suit to rise , that's a plan . So I'm like no , I can't go this week , I already have plans .

Speaker 1 29:15

Let's go next weekend or whatever , maybe , or if I already planned one event this weekend and I know I'm like , and one one is the most . So we have to have our boundaries because you have to know yourself . I did . A friend of mine would just ask me about next week and I already have plans next week . I'm like Because I need a date of rest , like I don't know if you want me to show up in my full self .

Speaker 2 29:38

I .

Speaker 1 29:39

Cannot double book myself . I cannot do something on Saturday and Sunday .

Speaker 1 29:44

That too I Am . I'm so serious I'm because I need at least one date of rest for you , for me , yes , yes , to do nothing . And I don't want to . I don't want to put something there like cuz . I'm like , okay , I know I'm gonna do this on Saturday . I definitely don't want to do some Sunday . You know what I mean Like cuz . Now it's Monday , I've done what have I done for myself ? You know ? Like what ? Can you know ? I do believe , like they're in life , there will be things that happen that that will be like you may have to do something on Saturday , on Sunday , but maybe , okay , if I'm doing something on Saturday like brunch , then Sunday , let me do something Sunday like evening . Maybe give yourself , you know , like I think you have to .

Speaker 1 30:24

You you know yourself , that's on how you want your energy level and your resting right and how you want to do it . But I like , I know like I'm not , or is it ? There's a holiday on Monday . I'm like , oh , let's go Saturday and Sunday , that's fine , I'll rest Monday , you know , whatever may be , but yeah , I , because I just know Going , going , going , going , going and not resting , how it just depletes me , yeah , and so I just have to not do . There was a season , I think . Last fall I was just every weekend , every week and one of my friends was like ma'am .

Speaker 1 30:51

You're going . Every time you're on the going side because I kept complaining I'm not resting , I'm not resting , but look what you're doing . You keep because you say you're not gonna go . Then you end up going and I'm like you know , she checked me . She was just like you're not , saying no , you're not you because maybe that's fine , yeah , but you just said you was gonna rest today . I'm like you know you're right . I don't know why didn't ? I'm not breaking my own boundary , you're absolutely right . But she put it because he said you're not . You keep saying I said you're not going , you're gonna end up going and I'm Trying to put okay , I'm gonna be home by eight . I no , you didn't .

Speaker 2 31:19

You're on until 1am you know , I'm on something like that . Yeah , if you did , you went , you showed up , you supported .

Speaker 1 31:25

But are you going to adhere to your boundary , like if you say I know I need to rest , I'm going to go from 4 to 8 . And I end up staying till 1am and so because I'm having a great time , you know . So now it sounds like a winter , but now I'm on the back end , I'm exhausted and I've . Now that was time I was supposed to do the X , y , z , and so now I don't know , I think we need to just yeah wanting to be there .

Speaker 1 31:51

I think maybe because , first of all , maybe we didn't want to go anywhere , but like , let's just show up and then you're like , ok , one hour comes , four hours , like , oh , I'm having a great time , this and that , and I don't think anything is wrong with that . But I also think we need to foster rest and our energy levels . I just know that for me , like , if I'm don't have , I'm not the best person to have sleep and I don't , I can't give what I don't have . And so I think we need to be intentional and even if with our friends , if they say , hey , I was much , like I would love to see you today , like I'm just totally depleted today . Today drained me .

Speaker 2 32:19

Can we please reschedule ? I think it depends on what it is , yeah yes . Someone's baby shower yeah you know what ?

Speaker 1 32:25

there's things . Yes , there's some commitments . You just put them here . So think , when you make those communities , you already know that we are going to be like three weeks from now , right ? So here's the thing what you do now . You do not book anything around , that you make sure . Or you make sure , if you know you need that rest , you make sure that , like , ok , if I know the baby shower is this weekend , then maybe the weekend before I'm going to make sure that I don't book anything , or maybe I just do one thing , because it's such important and I want to make sure I show up the best way .

Speaker 1 32:49

So , so , these things that you know are ahead of time , don't , don't , don't , don't , don't . Do that to yourself , just don't . Because I've and I'm saying that because I've done that and I've just been like , oh , I'll be fine . And then it's weekend weekend , weekend , weekend weekend , and it's like I know I have a busy weekend this coming up . Why am I not resting this weekend so I can be good for next weekend , so that you have ? So yeah , it's a term management thing , it's a yeah , you have to be very much aware , and that's the thing too . Like you be like , oh OK , I have to do a baby shower , I'm going on a trip . Like you know , you already paid for the trip . You know you can't not back down on this trip , but must you go out and turn up the whole week before the trip ? Now , you tired for the trip .

Speaker 2 33:27

They give me time on the trip , on the trip .

Speaker 1 33:30

Come on now . So I think and I I struggle with this so much too , because , even like I always , I'm currently struggling with how it's like going to bed on time , like really being , because it's about going to bed on time , and then I'll just get on my phone and I'm scrolling and doing all of this stuff and then I'm waking up .

Speaker 1 33:43

I'm like , oh my God , it's 2am and I told myself I was going to go to bed on this 10 o'clock and so I'm just like , and it's like it's it's few and far between , like every now and then I'll do it . I'm just like . Then I was kicking myself in the morning , it's my fault , and I'm like God help me . I'm like well , how are you praying to God to help you ? When is your fault ? You're ?

Speaker 1 33:58

the one who didn't put the phone down , so I had to check myself it is . It can be an addiction , it can be this . So I think it's like honoring your boundaries , saying , ok , if you're going to , if you're trying to foster , to go to bed early , make sure you're doing the things to do that you know , and and maybe set time or time to score or set side of time to watch Netflix . Maybe I'm going to watch it from eight to nine , nine cutoff and be done with that . You know , but it's , it's , and .

Speaker 2 34:21

I think , that's even .

Speaker 1 34:23

I think everything starts to self , even with friendships , to like . You know , if you you can't show up for people , we don't show up for yourself .

Speaker 2 34:30

Be a friend to yourself , you have to have that part too .

Speaker 1 34:32

Yes , be a friend to yourself , date yourself , be you know , I think it starts there and be friendly .

Speaker 2 34:39

Time with yourself .

Speaker 1 34:41

Yes , because you are what you attract , right , you know , I think it's also important to be like a good listener too .

Speaker 1 34:48

Sometimes we can go places and we're like me , me , me , me , me , me , me , me , and we all listen to what someone else has to say Because , also , I think sometimes it's not always going to be about you , like , maybe you may go , maybe , to someone is struggling something , and so maybe this meetup is really about them and what they're doing .

Speaker 1 35:00

Right , maybe it has nothing to do with you , maybe you're trying to just help someone with what they're going through . And I think it's good to be intentional , not about like , oh , let me tell you my stuff and then your stuff , and then it's like you know , that's a good one , you're catching up with people . Sometimes it can be that way where you're trying to say your updates and then this one's trying to say her updates , like who wants to go first ? But then sometimes it may just be like you know what , this time you go , you go , this time , you know you go this time , next time it will be me . I don't have it , especially if you don't have anything pressing or anything like you know . But if someone sometimes some people really do need a listening ear and if I'm thinking about what I want to say , how am I ? I'm not really , I'm not really paying attention to like you know what this person is , trying to bear their soul .

Speaker 2 35:41

So you know they really needed this and sometimes you don't realize until you get there , because I think a lot of people have a hard time asking yeah , even even though you are friends . Asking yeah Just to like vent .

Speaker 1 35:52

Yeah , oh , what have you ? Because we can sometimes swing the conversation to back to us . It's like how do we get back to me now ? We're supposed to be about you , you know .

Speaker 2 35:59

Like and we know .

Speaker 1 36:01

I think we do it unknowingly , but I think it's just being aware of like , oh , you know , I'm not bad , let me just let you say everything you gotta say and then I can respond or say whatever I need to say , cuz some of some people just need to get things out and they don't need , you know , they don't even need your commentary , they just want you to listen and hear them . You know , and I'm learning to be comfortable with that , like where it's just like , you know , is I didn't say what I wanted to say .

Speaker 1 36:24

But it's okay next time , because it was especially and I I saw you believe like the country will go how it's supposed to go . Right , so maybe it wasn't supposed to be for me to say these things now .

Speaker 2 36:33

Maybe next . Really , what was absolutely a hundred for like an hour and a half ? Really , was it like just me listening to her vented ? Yeah yeah , I'm doing good , but we have to go ahead and talk for a while .

Speaker 1 36:47

Okay , okay , I .

Speaker 2 36:50

Realize and don't just talk to anyone about no , yeah , yeah , I think .

Speaker 1 37:00

Sometimes I think , but once I think you initiate , okay , this is gonna be okay , your car , I'm here for you , you know , then you don't feel like all that person never know , I do like I think it's a bit to ask how you doing , I feel like don't go to a meet-up in your just now saying you just diarrhea , you're not even checking , like hey , even if the person just say something .

Speaker 2 37:19

You forget .

Speaker 1 37:20

I know you're like I didn't even think about shooting . Yeah , I think we all , I think we've all been there like damn . She didn't even ask about me how I'm doing , but I'm like you know what she's unhappy right now . Let me just leave it alone , cassie , to even think no , you're right , you're absolutely correct . I think sometimes it can be that way and we need to be mindful of that . Like if you know she's going through a lot , she's not really in a good space . So let me just you know , it is what it is , you know . And then it means maybe vice versa . You know , maybe , rob , it's like I can't even . I didn't even I'm gonna . I didn't ask you how you're doing . I'm so sorry , I was so consumed .

Speaker 2 37:52

Yeah right , it's like the transactional relationship or I said here listen to you talk . Oh yeah , yeah .

Speaker 1 38:12

Yeah , because everyone is gonna have different Bandwidths and different capacity , different times of different seasons . So if you , if you live according to that , it will be very hard because you'll be disappointing yourself .

Speaker 1 38:25

Correct not because you're expecting the person to show for me , let me go , or like , sometimes I also can get into the world , like well , she came for me but I have to go after like , I'm pushing myself but I'm sick , I'm in the bed and I'm like , but she came to my TV show , I can't really and I have to go . Yes , and I'm like I have to go , but I know I'm feeling really bad . It's okay . Like I think the person knows you well . I like , if you're canceling and you're sick , like they're , like I'm sure they don't want you to be there you know what I mean , but I think sometimes you can feel good to like .

Speaker 1 38:51

But she came to my show for me and I feel like it's her turn and I'm not there for her , but .

Speaker 1 38:55

I not because I don't want to , I'm sick , I got COVID or whatever , god forbid , you know .

Importance of Communication in Friendships

Speaker 1 38:59

Whatever it may be , and we can sometimes feel that kind of guilt of like , damn , you know , but I really believe this is a true friend . They would fully understand , I think . I think they will fully understand . They'll be like you know what , feel better , that's okay , there'll be another time and maybe you go see the baby when they may become a little , you go give her a gift on a one-off or whatever , maybe because you couldn't make it .

Speaker 1 39:18

You know , I think let's not Beat down on people for missing the big events when they truly weren't able to come and make it . I think we can paint a picture Correct and they apologize and they're like my bad , I wasn't , you know . Now it's when they , when they go radio , sudden is when you have a concern because it's like but I think some people go radio silent because they just don't know what to say . Their show ashamed , they feel so guilty . They don't know what to say , that they missed this important event or they didn't respond to you or you know . But it's okay .

Speaker 1 39:45

People just say I'm doing a tax if you , I rather you just say I respect you more to just text and say , hey , I'm not gonna be able to make it . I'd be like you know what . At least she thought of me enough to even cancel then to just go Radio silent , yes or no show , no call . And I've been , I know you know before . You know you know I've been there before in the past life and years ago . You know I've been there when it's like okay , I'm not . You know , I'm like damn , or like maybe you plan something . That's like well , she didn't hit me so I'm not gonna hit her up because I'm really gonna go in , you know yeah .

Speaker 1 40:20

Communication is key . It really goes a long way . It is communication . Is he like hey , girl , I'm just not for like how many times a week with scheduled things to do for , like our podcast ? And then she's like I can't , it's my mentally astrained in this week , I can't . I'll be like she was just saying what I didn't want to say . I wasn't trying to cancel , but it was like a thick . Two weeks ago I was like , oh , my god , thank god , she says , because I did not . I was really about to push myself , because I'm like , if not now , when ?

Speaker 2 40:50

Yeah .

Speaker 1 40:52

But I but , I , think I , but I think because we're in the Work . But we , we work a lot and we know we're . No , if I'm saying that I fully get what you're coming , I know you're not trying , I get it here mentally .

Speaker 2 41:04

We do yes , yes yes , yes . Yeah , yeah yeah .

Speaker 1 41:16

Or like you , every week you cancel it on me . Now we have a problem . We've scheduled this before . Like , what is the problem ? Well , every week , because I've made room , I've cut , you know , like we also don't want to waste people's time , so you know , you know . Or , like my , my thing is just let people know in advance as much as you can like what's happening , what's going on . You know , hey , I'm not able to do this . I'm gonna do cuz I tried to at least like , hey , you know , even at work I'm like , hey , I don't think I'm gonna eat this meat , like you know , can we be scheduled ? I'm looking at my week next Thursday . That's not good anymore . I can we be schedule this , you know ?

Speaker 1 41:45

But it takes intentionality , looking ahead , planning ahead , and sometimes some people they're not like that . They literally just wake up like , oh On , all women . It's like , well , where were you ? I wish you would have told me I could have been done . Other stuff I don't like . I guess about this in consideration , because you know , if you're , if you're not doing it like I feel , like to me isn't considerate , because I know you would want that to happen . So what ? What was happening that you were not able to gather what you was doing ahead of time or that day ? Yes , where were you ? And you like , did you not know you were working ? I'm cuz that stuff . I'd be like I do too . I'm not gonna lie . Has gotten older , it just I guess I'm getting cobra . I do because I and I I'll lie to myself and say I can remember . Oh , that's fine , I remember and I don't . If I don't write it down , I don't put it in my phone , put on a calendar , righted miscellaneous , I would completely forget . Oh my god , we're meeting that day . I totally forgot .

Speaker 2 42:49

Yes , what day is ?

Speaker 1 42:50

it . Yes , how are we ? What's going ? I feel like I thought I totally forgot , so I was gonna do yeah , I , if you have to , it's . I think that's also another way to nurture , like , make sure you're on your you know , um , oh , being mindful of things , being mindful of meetups , being mindful of okay , hey , it's been a minute , hey , I haven't spoken or talked to somebody . Let me check up on them , let me see what's going on . And at times you're like , oh , they're fine , I just don't have the capacity or space to do that right now .

Speaker 1 43:18

But , it really does go a long way . I think you know .

Speaker 2 43:21

It's perfect . We're working in progress and we'll continue working on ourselves . Yeah , and we'll work on these friendships .

Speaker 1 43:29

Yes , yes , yes .

Speaker 2 43:31

I think friends are supposed to be a good reflection on who we are yeah , and like we had , I think we said before it's quantity .

Speaker 1 43:40

No , sorry , quality over quantity . I keep saying this , Dan , sorry , Quality over quantity . You guys have one good friend .

Speaker 2 43:46

Yes .

Speaker 1 43:47

Like I don't know . When people say they have like 10 good friends , I'm like how ? Because how do you foster 10 relationships ? That's a lot . How do you ?

Speaker 2 43:54

foster . Like you cannot tell me that they're all at the same capacity , I'm sure there's some that are stronger than other you know , I also don't think they all need to be right , because maybe they need no , no .

Speaker 1 44:03

Yeah , because I feel like you're going to have like your close , close people , then you're going to have like your semi-close people . You need different , like we talked about different stages or whatever it may be , but still 10 people is a lot to me .

Speaker 2 44:14

I feel like that's a lot to govern . Are they mixing these 10 ? Yeah , yeah , or I get what you're saying Is it a group ?

Speaker 1 44:20

Are these all individual , 10 people ? No , you're right , because it's a lot . You know it can get hard to govern and that's why I'm like . You know it's such a different season in life , like now you have kids and all of this Like maybe it's not going to now , it may go down to five , because and not because you have an issue with them , because of lack of communication , sometimes we just stop talking .

Speaker 2 44:38

Maybe that's why they keep a lot then , so that if these three go down , maybe , maybe , and . I got these two , and if this one pisses me off , then I got this one .

Speaker 1 44:48

But I think , if you , if a , for example , can withstand transitions and seasons of different life . I think , then , it's a keeper , correct , because that's all we want and maybe that's good . Maybe you do need the fluff to fall off from you know , because they weren't going to be . Some people just don't know how to show for people . Some people just don't know how to be , how to , how to react in different seasons of people's lives , and that's all right . No love lost . I'm going to meet you there , I'll see you there , and that's fine . Maybe somebody I see you every year , and that's okay . You know , I don't have no problem with you . It is what it is , you know .

Speaker 2 45:18

I still wish that person well .

Speaker 1 45:19

Absolutely , absolutely . I agree , you know . All right , y'all , this was good convo . How are you feeling about it ? It's good Feeling good . Yeah , same here , same here . You know , nurture your relationships , guys , your friendships , you know . Yes , all right , I'll talk to you guys later . We'll see you on the next episode . Have a great evening , bye , bye . Well , I guess I'm just gonna talk there about my life .